Scotty from Marketing's one man show

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The rest are all in witness protection. And you can see why when you see what a bunch of time-serving no-hopers they are ...

Morrison’s muppet show — a galaxy of grubs, duds and also-rans

It's a miracle the Morrison government is able to continue, given the assortment of losers, incompetents and grubs who have passed through cabinet.

Janine Perrett 28 August 2020 Crikey



Aged Care Minister Richard Colbeck’s disastrous performance this week should serve to remind us of the very long list of government ministers who have hung on until the next muppet comes to knock them off the should-be-sacked list.

Every government has its under-performers but this one has more than its share of absolute shockers; most of whom are, incredibly, still there — or even more incredibly have managed to make a comeback.

It’s probably not surprising that when Scott Morrison won the 2019 election it was almost singlehandedly, given the assortment of losers, incompetents and grubs behind him. (And we’re leaving out the ones who couldn’t even make it to ministerial level.)

So here’s a reminder of some of the dubious stars of Morrison’s ministries.

Richard Colbeck

This week’s award for worst-on-ground was won easily by Colbeck.

A weeks ago few had heard of him, which was a problem in itself given the ongoing crisis in his portfolio during the COVID-19 pandemic.

Last Friday at a Senate inquiry he admitted he didn’t know the number of COVID-19 deaths in nursing homes. When Parliament resumed this week he still managed to give the wrong number before finally stumbling upon the correct answer.

To top it off yesterday he slunk out of the Senate chamber while Labor’s Penny Wong was replying to his speech. She rightly called him out as a “disgrace”.

Angus Taylor

Before Colbeck’s incompetence and cowardice this week, Energy Minister Angus Taylor was dubbed the benchmark for scandal. This includes, in no particular order of disgrace: “satergate”, “grassgate” and “Clovergate”. In fact some in the media have now bundled them together into the generic “Angusgate”.

Taylor’s litany of conflicts of interest, fake documents and general opprobrium made him the minister most vulnerable before the pandemic gave him some respite.

Stuart Robert

Still the front runner in the scandal stakes. Where to start.

In 2013 he and his wife received two Rolex watches valued at $50,000 from a Chinese billionaire. The next year he took a trip to China for private business interests which eventually led to him being dumped in 2016 by then-PM Turnbull for breaching the ministerial code of conduct.

In 2017 his elderly father admitted he was unaware Robert had made him a company director and used his address for a private business which had been awarded government contracts.

Then there was the matter of Roberts’ exorbitant $37,975 internet bill for which he charged taxpayers.

After helping his Canberra housemate Morrison get the numbers to win the prime ministership, Robert was back in cabinet — but the scandals keep coming.

Most recently as government services minister he falsely blamed hackers for crashing the MyGov website. “My bad,” he said, which pretty well sums up his political career.

Melissa Price

First coming to prominence by insulting the former president of Kiribati and accusing our Pacific neighbours of “always” having their hands out for “cash”.

As environment minister she was such an embarrassment she had to hide away during the election campaign. And it’s clear they prefer she stay there despite being demoted to minister for defence industry.

Last month Crikey reported that Price refused to present at a public meeting of the Shire of Carnarvon, where she was slated to appear once she realised a journalist was there.

Sussan Ley

Replacing Price as environment minister after herself being pushed out of cabinet in 2017 over expense rort allegations.

Ley was the subject of an investigation after she charged taxpayers for a trip to the Gold Coast to buy a $780,000 investment property.

She was returned to the ministry after Morrison became PM and has maintained, as they all do, that she had acted within the rules.

Michaelia Cash

The subject of numerous inquiries over her office’s role in leaking the notorious AFP raid on AWU offices.

Even though her credibility was severely damaged by the whole saga — who can forget her hiding from scrutiny behind a whiteboard — she nonetheless remains as employment minister.

Bridget McKenzie

Pre-pandemic, McKenzie was vying with Taylor for worst-on-ground but she won by a nose — mainly because it was so firmly in the trough.

The sports rorts scandal led her to be one of the only ministers actually dumped by Morrison although it was over a technicality for not declaring she was a member of a club which received some of the controversial sports funding.

With rumors of another putsch planned against underwhelming Nationals leader Michael McCormack, a comeback is highly likely.

Michael Sukkar

This week Assistant Treasurer Michael Sukkar has been embroiled in the ugly Victorian Liberal branch stacking allegations. Known as the most powerful man outside the inner cabinet, Sukkar has long been accused of wielding his power to stack branches — and now we’ve learned also to stack taxpayer-funded electoral offices.

The list goes on. As do the ministers.

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Scotty from Marketing's one man road show wants us to start planning for Christmas. He wants us to believe ... ahh, belief! Another word for "faith" and Scotty from Marketing wants us all to have "faith" - not in Parliament or democracy or in any of that dangerous lefty stuff, but in him! In his powers of prophecy. When he speaks with the Big Fella Upstairs he speaks in "tongues" which is what they call "glossolalia" and no doubt he receives his instructions directly. So Scotty from Marketing wants us to "believe" that it'll be all over by Christmas so we should be starting to make our Chrissy plans now.

In some mysterious fashion Crikey has obtained Scotty from Marketing's personal recipe for a Christmas pudding, and I reproduce it here for your delectation:

CULTURE - This week’s recipe: Scomo’s COVID Christmas pudding

Friday 11 September, Crikey

Chef Mark Best with a holiday treat rich enough to survive a recession.



In an act of economic desperation, old mate Scomo is urging the states to put aside their differences and come together for the birth of Jesus.

“By Christmas, Mr Speaker, we should aim for Australians to be able to go to work, to be able to be with their family at Christmas, and to return to visit their friends and to look forward to a positive 2021,” he told parliament earlier this month.

I want to believe, I truly do. But it’s more credible to think that Eddie Obeid just wanted to be a goat herd than it is to think Anastasia Palaszczuk will be opening the border to the pox from the south anytime soon.

Living on the wrong side of the rabbit-proof fence from her only son, my Mum was excited by the prospect of seeing me. She’s been encouraged by the sight of Clive Palmer using his heft to get things going in WA.

But with Clive disappearing like the haunted cane toad of Christmas past and our deal or probably no deal PM having form, I told her to pump the brakes on the red-eye out of Kalgoorlie.

I love her dearly, but with Mark McGowan quite happy to remain skipper on his “island within an island” and me being a firm proponent of the guest/fish/time maxim, I want to make sure she can get back again.

So, the least I could do was make a Christmas pud.

This pudding will last for six months in the fridge or frozen (the time it takes Albanese to form a cogent response to the Libs).

Should the borders remain closed it is robust enough to withstand Australia post and rich enough to be deemed recession proof.

Ingredients

240g sultanas
150g currants
2 oranges
1 lemon
2 cups Bundaberg Rum
250g butter, softened to room temp
440g Muscovado sugar
5 eggs
250g plain flour
2 tsp baking powder
1 tsp Garam Masala
1 tsp ground cardamom
1 tsp ground mace
1 tsp ground star anise (do it yourself, fresh is best)
1 tsp freshly ground black pepper
280g dried rye breadcrumbs (purchase some dark rye, eat some, dry the rest)
You will also need a steamed pudding bowl the size of Dutton’s head, and a large pot to put it in.

Method

Boil your oranges until soft. Cool, then chop finely
Add the orange, sultanas, currants, zest and juice of the lemon to a large bowl
Add the Bundy and mix well
Cover tightly with plastic wrap; store in a cool place for a week, stirring daily
Beat butter and sugar in large bowl with a wooden spoon until just combined
Beat in eggs, one at a time. Beat only until combined between each addition [pro tip for the win: make sure they are at room temperature]
Add butter mixture to fruit mixture then add sifted dry ingredients and breadcrumbs; mix well
Brush your pudding bowl with softened butter
Cut a small circle of baking paper to line the bottom
Add the pudding mix. Cover the top with baking paper and then add the lid
Tie it down tightly
Place it in the pot and fill to 3/4 full. Add the lid and simmer for 3 1/2 hours.
Enjoy in socially distant groupings.

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I have never seen, over 50 years, a more slippery customer than Morrison

By JACK WATERFORD | On 23 February 2021 johnmenadue.com/never-seen-a-more-slippery-customer-than-morrison/

How Prime Minister Scott Morrison ‘feels’ the pain of others. For him, almost everything is a public relations problem.

The fate of the Morrison government is unlikely to turn on its “management” of the alleged sexual assault in the office of Defence Minister Linda Reynolds, deplorable as that appears to have been. Forensic journalists may yet uncover evidence of a ministerial or prime ministerial error or lie as to the timetable of official knowledge of the affair. That may warrant a scalp or two. Likewise, with evidence of cover-up by staffers or officials able to be, but not unequivocally, interpreted as threats. Yet the whole affair creates a nasty smell that further undermines confidence in the prime minister and a number of his ministers.

It’s not a sex scandal — a case of voluntary but illicit sex on Capital Hill. It’s an alleged rape case – an alleged crime, which is quite different. It is of a one with the seeming incapacity of Morrison to appreciate how badly he was misreading the mood about his absence at the height of the bushfires 13 months ago, or his decision to delay a lockdown that he could go to a football match. Or his indifference to the situation of refugees. With 100 other examples of an apparent inability to appreciate or to share the emotions, perceptions and feelings of others, it shows itself mostly as a lack of empathy or understanding. It is usually followed, once he understands that he has misinterpreted the mood, by some corny distraction designed to make himself seem human again.

This week, for example, he humbly explained a change of approach as having followed a conversation with his wife, who had invited him to contemplate the horror of a similar sexual assault on one of his own two daughters. After doing so, he suddenly “got it”. He was appropriately grateful to his wife for keeping him grounded and was sorry if some of his earlier remarks had seemed insensitive, had not shown the woman the compassion she deserved.

It was never quite clear where Morrison’s state of understanding had been prior to his wife’s breaking his fugue. Would he have appreciated the point, for example, had he had sons? Or no children at all? Must one have daughters to appreciate, at a sympathetic and emotional level, the horrors of sexual assault? Were the early cack-handed interventions of other ministers, or senior staffers, the result of the same fugue, the same want of appreciation of what had happened to the woman, the same incapacity to feel for her pain and frustration, and feeling that she had not received the help she needed?

Well, not exactly. Most of those involved, including Morrison, were not seeing the “problem” in “that space”. If they were thinking of the woman at all, it was of a former staffer who might go rogue on them and cause political embarrassment. They were wondering if she could be shut up. Or should be. Or appeased. If the “problem” could be “contained”. Or, if necessary, whether her account could be discredited, whether by direct assault or by informal briefing of an unusually pliant press gallery suggesting some secondary motive, perhaps, some obsession or irrationality that had led the government, reluctantly, to decide to dispense with her.

When the victim is seen only as a source of embarrassment, not as a person

It’s a tactic often employed whenever the government has a potential public relations problem. For Morrison, almost everything is a public relations problem. No one, usually, is more adept than the prime minister in playing a straight bat to all inquiries, to misleading, prevaricating, or smart-arsed comments (as with questions about Craig Kelly), or the unilateral declaration that some topic is out of bounds, whether because of its belonging to some Canberra bubble, zone of prime ministerial privacy, or otherwise not of public interest.

If some limited disclosure is necessary, problems can still be delayed, or understanding of them distorted, by consigning them to some far-off inquiry. That helps shut down the indignation and clamour, but usually only postpones it. These days, however, reports are often withheld if they say anything inconvenient. The prime minister’s office narrowly frames terms of reference; those conducting inquiries gather minimal facts.

Governments have minor crises to hose down every week. The pandemic and Morrison’s self-serving personality helps him hold the hose with particular zeal. Most issues turn on what he has or has not done. Morrison often dismisses criticism saying he won’t look back because he has been wholly preoccupied with fighting the pandemic or delivering economic salvation.

He belittles issues as being of the past. He can use his parliamentary numbers — close as they are — to shut down debate. His Speaker, Tony Smith, maintains a veneer of independence, but looks out for the government’s interests in vulnerable areas. Morrison can have the most limited of press conferences, choosing who will be allowed to ask questions, and, as often as not, peremptorily ruling out lines of questioning, or follow-up questions.

I have watched 12 prime ministers close up, and several more at a distance, and all have had techniques, including refusing to hold press conferences, to avoid being held to account. But I have never seen, over 50 years, a more slippery customer than Morrison, a person more impossible to pin down, chronically secretive, truculent, and given to marketing verbiage in which it is almost impossible to separate the new from the old, the fact from the hope, or the dream from the substance.

I have never seen, over 50 years, a more slippery customer than Morrison

Samantha Maiden, from News.com, deserves considerable credit for her work in breaking the story last weekend. It is obvious that once she began asking questions that minders, and officials, were seeking to deflect her inquiries, to minimise their roles, or to deny any want of understanding or support. What is strange is how long it took the government — or its central nervous system – to realise they had a major problem on their hands, not to be handled with the usual derision and contempt. The story had a hold on the imagination, and a call to arms. It was a human story, of human dimension.

It fitted into modern narratives of sexual assault and abuse of power. Inequality of position, fear that employers would retaliate if one made trouble and the fear that calling out an assault might compound the humiliation and add to the psychic as well as the physical wounds.

Perhaps we can take ministers (below the prime minister) at their word that they did not appreciate that sexual assault had been involved. That ignorance, if it was ignorance, might have been added to by the woman’s initial decision not to involve the police. But she did not know that police were already involved. Entry into the minister’s office had involved a breach of security, particularly on the part of the alleged rapist. This was why he was summarily (and conveniently) dismissed a few days later.

Her intoxicated condition had been noticed when the pair arrived. This worried parliamentary security officers, who entered the rooms on several occasions after the man had left and while the woman was sleeping on a sofa in a state of disarray. They formed the view that a sexual assault had occurred — indeed that the room was a “crime scene” that should have been preserved for forensic examination. Some immediately thought the actions of others –minders and officers of the parliamentary services department — were focused on cover-up.

Whether or not these perceptions were right (a subsequent inquiry by former Inspector General of Security Vivienne Thom could not sustain them) their disquiet had a host of repercussions, most unknown to the victim. The presiding officers became aware, and soon, via confidential submissions, so did members of a parliamentary committee. ACT AFP detectives came to the scene, even if reluctant to move to a full investigation until there was a complaint. But they secured some evidence, including closed-circuit camera footage of the entry by the man and the woman into the suite, and the man’s departure.

All of this created a paper trail. But there are also emails between minders, seemingly focused on whether she would keep her mouth shut. It may well be that the prime minister was not informed — though given Morrison’s micro-managing ways, particularly in the shadow of an impending election, it might seem amazing that he would not be.

But, despite the denials, a number of people in his office were aware of the “potential problem”. Some because they had moved from the defence minister’s private office to the prime minister’s. Some “management” of the risk seems to have occurred, for example in organising a job for the woman in Senator Michaelia Cash’s office. When it became known that the ABC Four Corners program was snooping around sexual indiscretion at the higher levels of government, a check was made to be sure she was not telling tales.

The minders in on the secret were, of course, seeking to protect the government, and, in particular the prime minister. Where they failed Morrison, or Morrison failed himself, was in not realising what dynamite the story would be if the victim publicly complained.

Was it always a disaster-in-waiting? Not necessarily – had there been a focus on her welfare afterwards. That lack of practical concern, and the incompetence, negligence and mismanagement of the pretend concern was bad and, less importantly, makes the government “look” bad. Just as badly it was all of a one with a prevailing culture — one Morrison has condoned — of bullying dominant males.

It was always open to senior people in the office to properly investigate, including progressing it even if the victim did not want to make a formal complaint. An unwillingness to proceed to complaint is not uncommon — who would reproach victims given poor conviction rates, the ordeal of trial, and, sometimes, the professionalism, or want of it, of police.

It appears that offers of help were pro-forma. Neither minister had an office that fostered a sense of inclusiveness and mutual assistance. The occasional inquiries seem to have been more focused on whether she was going to be a problem rather than concern for her welfare.

If she felt abandoned, and likely to put her job at risk unless she shut up, she was probably sensibly realistic. From top to bottom, this was not a nurturing environment, and young women, as the record shows, seem to be out of the loop for handsome post-employment contracts, sinecures, boards, appointments and graft. That’s for the boys — what modern Morrison government is mostly about.

[matte]

You are critical of Scott Morrison, but say nothing about the alternative.

Scott Morrison is the best we have at the moment and when compared to the state premiers (except the NSW Premier), he is light years in front.

[pim]

You must like them slippery then, Matt!

[pim]

When Craig Kelly says you're the best thing since sliced bread just as he's dumping you, you know you're in trouble.

Morrison in survival mode

Paul Bongiorno www.thesaturdaypaper.com.au/opinion/topic/2021/02/27/morrison-survival-mode/161434440011181

Craig Kelly’s fulsome praise of Scott Morrison as Kelly quit the Liberal Party this week was akin to the Mafia sending roses to its next victim. Kelly said he sincerely hoped Morrison would “go on to be one of Australia’s greatest and longest-serving prime ministers”. Make no mistake, though, the departure to the crossbench of the outspoken salesman of Covid-19 snake oil remedies is a sickening blow to the Morrison government’s stability and authority.

And there is no better witness to this than another political maverick, Bob Katter. Last week over dinner, Kelly took the veteran Queensland MP into his confidence, telling Katter of his intention to follow his lead and become an independent. It was a courtesy the controversial Sydneysider did not show to Morrison.

Katter, who quit the Nationals 20 years ago, offered an ominous warning for the government soon after Kelly’s shock resignation. “Yesterday the government had a majority, today they don’t,” he told parliament. “Now the government and mainstream parties in Australia have to accept that they no longer issue the edicts and make us all jump when they crack the whip. Those days are over.”

To be clear, the government has lost its working majority on the floor of the house – it still has supplied the speaker, the Liberal Tony Smith. In the case of a tied vote, Smith can still break the deadlock, but convention, as laid out in the House of Representatives Practice, would often constrain him to voting for the status quo. This could stymie the government’s attempts to amend existing legislation.

Kelly, in a statement to the house, said he would “of course support the government on matters of supply, confidence and procedure”, and said he would vote consistent with the policies he took as a Liberal to the last election. But he made clear in a series of media interviews this week that he would freelance on everything else.

Morrison was stung by Kelly’s betrayal. Party room sources say the prime minister’s face darkened when the Sydney MP rose to his feet and without forewarning read his resignation letter. Almost immediately after the meeting, Morrison reached out to Bob Katter, inviting him to the prime minister’s office to seek his assurances on supply and confidence – a sure sign of what little trust, if any, Morrison has in Kelly’s promises.

There is trouble ahead confirmed by the Nationals’ Barnaby Joyce, who told reporters Kelly’s departure from the Liberals strengthens the hands of remaining government backbenchers. The climate change-denying Kelly has signalled that he is much more in tune with the coal-championing Nationals than he is with Morrison’s tepid commitment to the cause.

Kelly supports the Nationals’ proposed amendments to the Clean Energy Finance Corporation Amendment Bill. The minor Coalition partner wants to extend financial support beyond gas – which the government dresses up as firming support for renewables – to coal, carbon capture and storage as well as nuclear. Energy Minister Angus Taylor quickly withdrew legislation relating to the CEFC to avoid putting on display these deep divisions.

“Morrison reached out to Bob Katter, inviting him to the prime minister’s office to seek his assurances on supply and confidence – a sure sign of what little trust, if any, Morrison has in Kelly’s promises.”
Kelly says he would not vote for measures to achieve a net zero carbon emissions target by 2050 if Morrison gets around to making such a commitment. After Anthony Albanese’s rejected offer of bipartisanship on climate last year, there’s not much doubt that Labor will support any real action on climate change the government proposes. But Morrison is more likely to follow former prime minister Malcolm Turnbull’s example and not take anything to the parliament that relies on the opposition’s numbers to succeed. It’s the price we pay as a nation for dumb tribalism.

It is instructive that the Liberal minister for Energy and Environment in New South Wales, Matt Kean, welcomed Craig Kelly’s departure in a stinging post on Twitter.

Kean said Kelly’s “spreading of misinformation about Covid-19 and climate change and his disrespect for scientific evidence have no place in a major Australian political party. Good riddance.”

Wayne Swan, who was deputy prime minister in the Gillard minority government, says that on the face of it, Morrison’s remaining numbers in the house – 76 votes with the speaker – put him in a stronger position than Gillard’s 72. But Swan says the greater danger for Morrison is insurrection. The foment in the Nationals is hardly discreet and it is difficult to know what the harder driver of it is: leadership ambitions or deep-seated policy differences, particularly over energy.

In Barnaby Joyce the two meet. According to a party room source, his chances of regaining the leadership are nil – which may be true, but it was reported that Joyce is now within one vote of toppling Michael McCormack. The return of Llew O’Brien, the member for Wide Bay in Queensland, to the Nationals’ party room was certainly seen as a boost for Joyce. O’Brien became deputy speaker with Labor’s votes in defiance of the government and on Tuesday flagged another insurrection.

O’Brien told Morrison he could not support legislation that will raise the pre-pandemic Newstart benefit from $40 a day to $43.60 while slashing the raised Covid-19 supplement by two-thirds – from $150 to $50 a fortnight. O’Brien, like other Nationals, apparently believes there are more than enough jobs in regional Australia, such as fruit-picking, that the unemployed refuse to take. What is needed, in the party’s opinion, is the disincentive to stay on the dole and take any work on offer. This is gobsmacking from a man whose electorate has among the highest unemployment rates in Australia: 11.7 per cent overall, and a whopping 27.7 per cent for youth unemployment.

“Dole bludging”, of course, is holy writ for conservatives and reared its head again this week when the government announced a new punitive measure that would encourage employers to dob in anyone who refused to take a job that was on offer. This “dobseeker” provision, as it was quickly dubbed by its critics, left even employer groups feeling lukewarm as social service providers warned it was wide open for abuse. Labor’s Lisa Chesters condemned the new requirement that the unemployed document their search for 20 jobs a month from July. “Right now,” Chesters told parliament, “there are eight jobseekers for every job.”

Appeasing the Nationals and their fellow travellers on the conservative right, including Craig Kelly, is an even greater imperative now for the survival of the government. But Morrison discovered this week what his predecessor Malcolm Turnbull meant when he described his internal critics as terrorists. In the end, if they don’t get their way, they are happy to blow up the place.

The prime minister thought he had won from Kelly an agreement to be more of a team player. He also revealed on Tuesday that he had urged Kelly to dismiss his senior staffer Frank Zumbo in light of persistent allegations of inappropriate behaviour in regard to young women and an apprehended violence order against him. Zumbo’s alleged misbehaviour had attracted negative reporting in the local press and in The Daily Telegraph last year.

Kelly denies the pressure on him to sack Zumbo was another reason why he quit the Liberal Party. But he is staunch in his defence of his chief of staff, even claiming he investigated the matter personally and found nothing in the allegations. Zumbo, Kelly said, is entitled to the presumption of innocence. But the MP’s recalcitrance could come unstuck with the Department of Finance and the New South Wales Police Force now investigating.

The issue of the safety of political staffers and adequate mechanisms to deal with bullying, harassment and indeed rape are all of a piece. While Kelly ignored Morrison’s pressure, the prime minister was happy to confirm in parliament he knew about Zumbo and confronted Kelly.

It was another story though when it came to Brittany Higgins, the former staffer of Minister for Defence Linda Reynolds. In this case, Morrison was critical of the minister for not informing him of the alleged rape, which took place when she was Defence Industry minister. In the senate late last week, the minister broke down under heavy questioning of her handling of Higgins.

This week, Reynolds appeared to have recovered her composure but continued to stonewall in the senate. She was bracing to face the Canberra Press Gallery at the National Press Club midweek but cancelled on Wednesday after she was admitted to hospital on her cardiologist’s advice. Morrison checked with her doctor and the minister is now standing aside while she is treated for a pre-existing condition.

Speculation is rife within the government that Reynolds will not return to the ministry. Higgins has wished her well. Midweek, the former staffer formally lodged a complaint with the Australian Federal Police about her alleged rape at Parliament House.

Morrison is sticking with the story that he and his office knew nothing until Higgins’ story was about to break in the media. The picture he paints is of an incredible shambles. The PM told parliament he has asked his departmental secretary, Phil Gaetjens, to inquire into the “credibility” of what he was told by his staff.

Larissa Waters of the Greens failed to get the Coalition and One Nation to agree to have the government make public the findings of any independent investigation. Labor’s Penny Wong laments the fact no one has explained what led Higgins to believe that if she went to the police after her alleged assault, she would lose her job.

Brittany Higgins is now unemployed. Regardless, Scott Morrison earlier in the week, after Kelly quit, assured “all Australians nothing will distract me or my government from my pledge to save lives and to save livelihoods”.