Marketing "The Manger"

[pim]

Congratulations, you’re going to Bethlehem!

It's almost time for your stay in The Manger. by Guy Rundle www.crikey.com.au/2017/12/20/when-mary-and-joseph-booked-an-airbnb-at-the-manger-in-bethlehem/



A rustic self-contained dwelling separate from the main house, The Manger is a studio-plan holiday accommodation, with original furnishings and fixtures, local artisan fabrics, exposed brick walls, windows that open, always, a well half a mile away, rustic stone floors and no furniture. There is straw to sleep on in the main room. There is parking for your donkey in the main room. There are toilet facilities in the main room.

First, tell us a bit about yourself:

My wife Mary is the sole human being born without sin, and is with child which, following her impregnation by the creator of the Universe, will be born as both the God himself and his Son who will cause himself to be put to death by the people he created in order to expiate the sins he gave them, causing her to ascend to transitional Godhead status in two world religions.

Me, I’m a carpenter. Shelving, mostly. Bit of shop fitting.

Why have you come to BETHLEHEM?

Due to a wholly fictional Roman census which doesn’t stand up under even a few seconds scrutiny, we have returned to Bethlehem, the non-place of our birth, a journey reverse engineered into our narrative to create symmetry with Jewish exile, six centuries BMC (Before My Kid), which makes me ropable, especially if its a girl and thus of course all in vain, as I was hoping for a few days to take the tinnie out.

How many will be staying in THE MANGER?

Well, there’s my family so three to six depending on how many people God is this week, and three shepherds will be joining us, who tended to be about 13-14 years old in those/these days, so really looking forward to that, and their sheep, and three camels, so what did you say the bond was, and three old Iranian men who want to throw my child a party.

Will you be … hang on, what?

Three old Iranian men want to throw my child a, I guess its a zeroeth birthday party. They’ll be in fine colourful silk robes, with myrhh for rubbing, gold and frankincense. Frankincense is…

We know what frankincense is

Yeah but 40% of kids from the 1930s on don’t. They will think that Jesus was visited by three wise men and Frankenstein. They’ll see it in their heads, Lon Chaney clumping across the dunes. I-

You’re not worried about the myrrh?

Look, the kid’s the infant pretext version of a composite of several radical Essenic Jewish preachers from the Roman-Jewish upheavals of around 25 AMC. I mean, yeah nah.

Tell us about your likes, dislikes etc

Well my entire family is a repurposed version of a man-God myth arising from political changes in pharoanic rule recapitulated in turn through Isaiah to which book gospel writers conformed us, all flowing from the rich culture of Egypt … so, hummus.

Do you have any other questions for us?

Yeah, when we’re there, what’s open on Christmas?

[pim]

The gospel according to Donald Trump

Guy Rundle imagines how the Bible might've appeared had it been partly written by Donald Trump.


www.crikey.com.au/2017/12/21/rundle-the-gospel-according-to-donald-trump/


Jesus is brought before Donald Trump …

18:33 So it was like the festival of something or other, who knows, and it was a pretty good festival. It was a beautiful festival. We have the best festivals. It was at the Mar-a-lago Jerusalem, with the beautiful marble inlay and the chandeliers, really very, very beautiful, we built it on the site of that old temple, boy what dreck that was.

34 So anyway, I’m getting ready for the festival and practising my swing and the crowd outside is huge, they never tell you how huge the crowds are, Josephus and all those guys, fakus newsus, that’s Latin, we have good words, we have the best words. And they bring in this dude.

35 He’s like one of the protesters at all the festivals, our beautiful festivals. He’s like some goddam hippie, like some kid who sits on his bed all day and hacks emails, and “who is this bad hombre?” I say, and they say “he’s a man of peace, who wanders without possessions, preaching love between all people”.
Which is disgusting. It’s sickening actually.

36 “Some sort of radical,” I said to the uh, the uh, soldier dude with the brush on his head, “boy I liked it when we could just beat em up.” “Well, uh, we can,” he said. “We’re Romans. We can nail him to a plank, tie him behind wild horses, feed him to otters that’s a good one, cheesegrate his scrot-” “That’s great,” I said, “throw him to the floor.” It was a hard floor. We have the best floors.

37 “What is his name?” I said to the metal-hat guy. “Jesus.” “Haysus? Jeezis! Is he here to do the lawns?” “No sir, he is a Jew.” “That’s amazing,” I said, “a Jew got into Mar-a-Lago. So, he’s an attorney?” “No sir,'”said metal head guy. “I’m confused,” I said. “I thought you said he was a Jew.” “He is king of the Jews.” “What, like white goods and wholesale?” Metal hat guy had this look on his face I’ve been seeing a lot since Januarius twenty firstus. “He is the leader of a rebel band.”

38 “This true, Haysus?” I said. “My kingdom is not of this world,” said this bum. “I live under my father’s loving grace. His house has many mansions.” “Yeah, real estate. My father built condos and kept the schwartzes out. Like that?” “Not exactly.” “OK well there’s no pleasing some people, that’s the truth.” “I mean, what is truth?” “Truth-” said Haysus. “Shhhhh, I’m talking,” I went on, because I have the best talking, really excellent they say. “Is it a chain of emails linking my hugely indebted empire to the Russian banks who are my creditors, and beyond them to the Kremlin, whose associates own the banks, and to promises on foreign policy in exchange for Intel on the Democrats? Or is it that crooked Hillary is running a paedo ring out of a DC joint, to pay whoever’s blackmailing her about the murder of JonBenet Ramsey? You won’t hear any of that in the fakus newsus.”

39 “Jeezis, it’s 2 o’clock,” I said. “I gotta be on the back nine.” “Sir,” metal hat guy said, “what shall I do with this man, who preaches peace and love?” ‘Oh, yeah throw him to the otters’. “And who will you pardon?” “Myself,” I said, “in about July 2019.” They took him away, the love talking dude. I put my red hat on and went out. The trumpets sounded. Trumpets. They’re named after me. There actually were no trumpets before me.

40 True story.